It's weird to ramble. I wasn't sure if I was going to do it in Portuguese or in English, but for now I think English it is, in case anyone who isn't one of my friends ends up interested here.
I wish I like the newest Taylor Swift more. It's strange to grow up and see your own interests and likes and dislikes change so much. I still feel like a kid sometimes, and it's hard to see myself as an adult. Stop the merry go round I wanna get out or whatever. I'm trying my best to find the joy in it, or maybe even not care, but sometimes it is very paralyzing to see people around me becoming "grown ups" (I hate saying it like this, but I still haven't been able to stop it). They have jobs and objectives and paths to walk. I wake up most of the time unsure whose life I'm living.
I wish time didn't feel so haunting. Maybe in a few years it won't. But it's hard not to feel strange when I see 18 year old people on the internet saying things I relate to. Even if I tell myself this feeling of weirdness is bullshit, that I can do what I want in my own time, that whatever dumb timeline society has put out for me is completely arbitrary and meaningless, it's hard to unroot something so deep inside me.
When I was a kid, I once started crying before school and my mom let me stay home, and I remember telling her I was upset because I didn't want to grow up. I already felt the weight of it unbearable. I think it's funny now, the idea of a kid with an existencial crisis about the inevitability of change, but it is also kind of tragic. I'm no longer that kid, yet I'm still her, or she lives inside me, or something like that.
Anyway. Weirdly, writing things that I rationally believe in but emotionally can't get my head around actually helps a bit. It's like saying affirmations in the mirror. I have so much time to do whatever I like. I can always start over. Other people aren't me and their timelines aren't mine. I don't need to have everything figured out. Cliché stuff like that.
That's it for now I think. Thanks for paying attention! I will keep talking to the void until there's nothing else to talk about.
Here's a playlist I made a while ago about this. At least a lot of songwriters feel the same! That always makes me feel less alone.