I once saw a tumblr/pinterest picture that said something like "what is it that you have to say that's so important for everyone to hear?". I couldn't find the image again, but I think about it a lot.
Most of my life I felt like I would have something "important" to say, or at least something different. When you choose a career like filmmaking, or when you dream of being a writer as I did as a kid, it's mostly because you feel you have something to say that will touch people. You have something to share. Maybe something that hasn't been said before, or at least not in the way you can say it. But I find nowadays more and more that I have nothing. Even the opinions that I have that I feel most passionate about, nearest and dearest to my heart, I don't feel like are important to share. I'm not sure if it would help anyone, and most of them are opinions that would just get me into arguments online.
When I think about it, it's not so much about having something important to say as it is about wanting to say something. Either way, I don't find the want or the content to share inside me. Don't get me wrong, It's not as if there's something boiling in my heart that I'm afraid to let it free for the world to see. But I also don't want to say anything just for the sake of saying it, something that could be meaningless. As if I should only make something when I have something Meaningful to make, capital M and all, which when I put into writing sounds incredibly stupid. And yet.
Is there even anything else left to say?, I think to myself. But the answer comes quickly: obviously. Every so often I listen to a song or read a poem and think yes, yes, they get it, they put it into words, thank you. Or watch a movie that moves me in a way that I know the team who made it is talking to me in a way you can't through words, as if we're mushrooms and trees over the same soil, communicating like that one meme, sharing feelings. I think that's what I wish I could do, and that's why it feels empty to find nothing to say inside me.
Perhaps that's one of the reasons I've been feeling professionaly lost these couple weeks. I think I always saw myself as more of an artist when I chose to abandom being a STEM girlie to go into filmmaking, and not a worker. But everyday that I can't find that passion to create just for the sake of it, just for the rush of having something to say and wanting to be heard, I see myself as a worker, which is at odds with how I saw my life turning out when I chose this path. And I know life is unpredictable, things change, and everything happens as it can and as it should (I truly believe that, I do). It's still unsettling to realize the life you're living isn't exactly the one you want to live, and not because you are doing something different, but because you turned out to be a different person than you thought you were.
My life has been kind of stagnant lately. Not that it isn't lovely. Everything is, honestly, pretty great. That's why I think some of these common and old feelings seem to resurface. I have too much time to think about them. Not enough to distract me. So I find myself wishing for that need to create, that need to write or make art or whatever, even if it's not for sharing. I had some of it when I was younger. But I don't feel it these days. And it saddens me a bit.
I wanted to end this post on a more positive note because I feel I wrote two posts on a row about bad feelings, and I don't mean to sound melancholic, because I don't think I actually am. But for some reason I find it easier to write about sad feelings. Good feelings, happy feelings, don't recquire writing, just feeling them is enough for me. Isn't that funny? Maybe I'll try to write something happy next time.
